™FR3ESTYLEKING'S OFFICIAL JOKEBOOK

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I'm Not Saying...

..SHE'S EASY BUT...

1.) She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.

2.) She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.

3.) She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.

4.) She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.

5.) She's been mounted more often than Trigger.

6.) She's been with more animals than Marlin Perkins.

7.) She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.

8.) She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.

9.) She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.

10.) She's spent more time under men than barstools.

11.) She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.

12.) She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.

13.) She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.

14.) Her body has been declared a national recreation area.

15.) Her diaphragms come with a service contract.

16.) She has an IUD with a beeper.

17.) Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.

18.) Her pantyhose have a pet door.
 
Get Wet!!!

A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swimsuit
fell off. He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how
desperately he looked. Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do. As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hard-on.

Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!" Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action. She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!"
 
Kofi Annan’s New Year's UN Resolutions

1.) Be brave -- ask US for more money.

2.) Salt and pepper beard more.

3.) Apply for US citizenship.

4.) Lose weight -- no more delicious McDonald's cultural hegemony!

5.) Bad-mouth US in front of Middle Eastern diplomats more.

6.) Daily affirmation: "I am not the tool of the world's sole superpower!"

7.) Make the UN more bureaucratish.

8.) Write resolution to write more resolutions condemning the rogue state of Luxembourg.

9.) Talk to US President more in broader terms - "African People Hungry," "Arabs Hate You," "Germany no likee war. Now." Perhaps speak slower.

10.) Finally count out Third World dues change jar.

11.) Resolve to cut the word “Secretary” from title. “General Annan” catchier.

12.) Change name of UN Security Council to either "THE STAR CHAMBER", or "THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMAN", or “THE GUNS AND MISSILES CLUB".

13.) Switch lame blue helmets of peacekeeping forces to ninja masks.

14.) Make sure diplomatic immunity applies to downloading illegal nude photos of that smoking broad Condi.

15.) Do charter bi-lines allow the UN to stockpile Weapons of Mass Destruction of their own? Could be help when negotiating with uppity Western Nations. Look into it this year. FOR REAL THIS TIME!!!!
 
2 the women!

How many of these have *YOU* Heard?


1.) Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2.) Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

3.) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

4.) I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

5.) That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

6.) I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

7.) If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

8.) Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

9.) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

10.) Baby, you must be tired cuz you have been running through my mind all night!!

:lol
 
*NEW MOVIE* What Men Want!

1-3.) More beer. More cheese. More sex.

4.) Vitamin fortified cigars.

5.) Public beer fountains.

6.) Kitty catapults.

7.) All day happy hour at a lesbian Hooters.

8.) Wet T-shirt Fridays.

9.) Replace NFL linebackers with genetically bred velociraptors.

10.) Rocket boots.

11.) Machine gun camp.

12.) NASA space shuttle races.

13.) Sledgehammer boxing.

14.) Girlfriend TiVO so you can pause, rewind, and delete arguments.

15.) Congressional pie fights.

16.) Government research grants to build the perfect chicken parmesan hero.

17-19.) More beer. More cheese. More sex.

20.) Tomahawk missile surf boards.

21.) Hot tub jury boxes.

22.) Nacho cheese lipstick.

23.) Personal midget-ninja chauffeurs.

24.) New TV shows: PBS' The BBQ Hour, Total Kung-Fu Live, and America's Funniest Farts.

25.) 24-hour, on call UN negotiator for when you stumble home late, drunk, with lipstick stains on your collar.

26-28.) More beer. More cheese. More sex.

29.) Condoms that whistle, whir, and honk when used.

30.) Inflatable sex dolls who cook.

31.) Beef jerky business cards.

32.) Combination briefcase/pizza oven.

33.) National Make-Out with Cheerleaders Day.

34.) Art museums dedicated to framing copy-machine faxes of asses.

35.) Robot gloves for crushing kegs of beer.

36.) Karaoke "ejector" stages.

37.) Opera glasses that broadcast ESPN.

38.) The Astronaut Reserves.

39.) Porno without all the "talking" filler.

40.) Head banging elevated to "fine art".

41.) All money spent on women tax deductible!

42.) Free BBQ buffet at the DMV.

43.) Passports to Margaritaville.

44.) The ability to telepathically force anyone to belch on the spot.

45.) One "Get Out of the Doghouse" card.

And Finally what men really want!

46-50.) More Cheese, More Beer, More Sex & Sex With more than just 1 Woman
 
Jesus / Elvis

1.) JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill Shepherd.

2.) JESUS was a carpenter. ELVIS' favorite high school class was wood shop.

3.) JESUS was part of the Trinity. ELVIS' very first band was a trio.

4.) JESUS' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. ELVIS' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

5.) JESUS is a Capricorn. (December 25) ELVIS is a Capricorn. (January 8)

6.) JESUS was the lamb of God. ELVIS had mutton chop sideburns.

7.) JESUS' Father is everywhere. ELVIS' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

8.) JESUS said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37) ELVIS said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM:1957)

9.) JESUS fasted for 40 days and nights. ELVIS had irregular eating habits. (eg: 5 banana splits for breakfast)

10.) JESUS said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." ELVIS liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

11.) JESUS' countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3) ELVIS wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.

12.) JESUS said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) ELVIS said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA 1956)

13.) JESUS walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) ELVIS surfed on water. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount:1965)

14.) JESUS H. CHRIST has 12 letters. ELVIS PRESLEY has 12 letters.

15.) JESUS had his famous Resurrection. ELVIS had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

16.) JESUS lived in a state of grace, in a Near Eastern land. ELVIS lived in Graceland, in a nearly eastern state.
 
Nobody likes me no more!

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
 
You Know

You're Addicted to Coffee When...

01.) you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

02.) you sleep with your eyes open.

03.) you have to watch videos in fast-foward.
the only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

04.) you can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without the timer.

05.) you've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

06.) your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

07.) you chew on other people's fingernails.
the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

08.) you can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

09.) you can jump-start your car without cables.

10.) you don't sweat, you percolate.

11.) you walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

12.) you forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

13.) you've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
instant coffee takes too long.

14.) you channel surf faster without a remote.

15.) you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

16.) you short out motion detectors.

17.) you don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

18.) you help your dog chase its tail.

19.) you soak your dentures in coffee.

20.) your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee and an IV hook-up.

21.) you get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

22.) you answer the door before people knock.
 
I remember these days!

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
you and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear,
if we don't do laundry right now!?"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
 
Lil' Johnny #14

Little Johnny is visiting his cousin in the country and they decide to go for a walk down the back roads. After about three miles they find a used rubber lying by the road.

"Hey," Little Johnny, the dumbass city boys says, "look, some cow lost one of its titties!"

"Let's go give it to the farmer!" says his cousin.

So, they work they way up to the farmhouse. They knock on the door and out comes the farmer.

"Hey, Mister, we found a cow titty. Ya want it back?" says Little
Johnny.

The farmer didn't feel like conducting a mini sex ed seminar, said,
"Sure, uhhh, here's a dollar for your trouble."

Little Johnny hands over the rubber and head on back down the road.

After a little while Little Johnny says "You know, I bet we could have got more than a buck if I hadn't drank the milk out of it!"
 
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