The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Carmen, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
fetish -but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and whispered, "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine inches?"
There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said, "You know, I
really don't think you could get it up three times in a row!"
Little Johnny walks in a bathroom and sees his seventy year old Granny standing up in the bath.
He looks at her minge, points and says, "What's that Granny?"
"That's my pu$$y," replies Granny.
Little Johnny keeps staring at it and finally says, "Well I think it's dead, 'cos it's got no fur and all it's guts are hanging out!"
One weekend Bob is in the bathroom shaving when Little Johnny, a kid
from around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn and proceeds to go to the bathroom.
Little Johnny was rather well endowed (had a HUGE penis) and curiosity got the best of Bob and he couldn't help but look. Little Johnny had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!
Bob asked Little Johnny, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your penis get that big?"
Little Johnny laughed and said, "Every night before bed, I bang it on
the bedpost three times. It sure impresses the girls at school!"
Bob was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly
wait to try it himself!
Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with new found confidence when his wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and says, "Little Johnny, is that you?"
Two drunks were lying alongside the curb when a cop came up. The officer saw that one had his finger stuck up the other drunks' ass. "What do you think you're doing?" the cop demanded.
"My buddy is sick and I'm trying to make him throw up," the drunk
"Well how in the hell is sticking your finger up his ass going to make him throw up?" the cop asked.
"Just wait, " the drunk said, "until I stick it in his mouth."
IT'S LIKE MAKING LOVE TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN:
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir...gently and firmly. And then you put in the milk.
Laying A Carpet:
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a
beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
Putting Up A Tent:
Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful
woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole and... slip into the old bag.
Washing A Car ;
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
Answering The Phone:
Answering the phone, is... a little like making love to a beautiful
woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear,
speak... loudly and clearly... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name.
Being In A Crash:
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual
lane highway, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a
rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
Of course, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often
thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
Being In Therapy:
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful
woman. You... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
Three women were roommates. One night, they all had gone out on dates
and they all came home at about the same time.
The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your make-up all smeared."
The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her
panties, and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. "Now, THAT'S a good date." she said.
A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"