Ah, school. Where little kids make new friends, learn new skills, and... well, not for Little Johnny. School is where most of the LJ jokes seem to take place. Sources vary on the exact age of LJ, but they all seem to agree that he's in some grade in elementry school. Which makes us wonder: "Do we REALLY want to know what kids are learning in school these days?". But now, I've babbled enough. On to the jokes...
HERE WE GO:
Little Johnny's teacher asked him, "Johnny, use 'harassment' in a sentence."
Little Johnny replied, "Her mouth said 'no', but her ass meant 'yes'."
Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well during the year that the teacher suggested to the principal that they give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed. The principal agreed so they called Johnny into the office, explained, then the teacher asked, "Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?"
Johnny replied, "Legs."
The teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I don't have in my pants?"
Johnny replied, "Pockets."
The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?"
Johnny replied. "Rome."
The teacher turned to the principal and asked, "Should we pass him?"
The principal replied, "Better not ask me, I got the first two wrong!"
One day, Johnny was sitting in class when the teacher came in. she announced that they were going to play a little game where she would say a word, and she would pick one person in the class to say an animal that started with that letter.
So first the teacher said the letter "C", and there were several kids with their hands raised, but Johnny was jumping up and down, so the teacher thinkng, "Oh no, not Johnny" picked on Susie.
Susie said, "Cow."
The teacher said very good. Next the teacher said the letter "S". There was Johnny jumping up and down trying to get the teacher to call on him, but instead she called on Billy.
He said "Snake". "Good," she said.
Next she called out the letter "R", and once again there was Johnny jumping up and down, in the aisle to get the teacher's attention. So the teacher thinks to herself, "I can't think of anything bad that starts with an 'R'", so she calls on Johnny.
Johnny says, "A Rat... with a big phucking d*** this long."
One day, Johnny's teacher asked the class, "Children, who can answer this question, please raise your hand !"
"Mention things you can suck !"
"Ice cream, mam !", Little Jane answered.
"Good, Jane.", the teacher said, "Anyone else ?".
"It's a lollipop !", said Little Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny !", the teacher said.
Johnny, the kid sitting at back then answered, "I think it's lamp !".
The teacher and all of the students wondered for Johnny's answer. Then the teacher asked him, "Johnny, how do you think we can suck lamp ?".
"Well, last night when I passed my parents' bedroom", Johnny said, "I heard my mom said, please turn off the lamp, honey...and let me suck it.."
So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is "contagious." She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands.
"Carl," she says.
Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps,'cause they're contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher.
Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says,
Then she notices that Little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" she says.
Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that c**t ages to finish that fence."
The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class, "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."
A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and recited, "Mary had a little pig, and ornery little runt/He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and smelled her little--" He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose.
"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.
So Johnny said, "@sshole."
A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."
Little Johnny went out to the field for recreation period. One of the sixth grade girls asked him to come with her and play inn the bushes. So Little Johnny went along with her. When they got into a small clearing in the bushes, she asked him, "Let me see your peter." Little Johnny responded, "What's a peter?" She said, "Well if you don't know what a peter is, I don't want to play with you anymore".
After school, Little Johnny was quite shaken. His father came home from work. Little Johnny asked his dad "Dad, whats a peter?" His dad unziped his pants and pulled it out. He said, "Son, this is a peter, and its a PERFECT peter!"
Little Johnny went to school the next morning, and when break to recreation came around, he found the same young girl. He asked her, "Would you like to play in the bushes. I know what a peter is!" She agreed, so they went back to the clearing in the bushes. Little Johnny unziped his pants and whipped it out. And he said "Now, This is a peter, and if it was an inch shorter it would be a PERFECT peter!!!"
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess". "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Now Nancy "What's your story?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy.
Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy Territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't phuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
Little Johnnie was late to school one Wednesday, so the teacher asked him why he was late.
"Well Ms. Johnson," he answered, "my dad sleeps naked and..."
"That'll be quite enough, Johnnie!" Ms Johnson interrupted. "We'll have none of your smut today, young man. Just get to your seat."
A short time passed and Ms. Johnson called Johnnie up to her desk. "Now Johnnie, I want you to tell me why you were late, and none of your filth!"
"But Ms Johnson, my dad does sleep naked and that is part of why I was late."
"Well ok, but if you go too far with this story it's to the principle's office next."
"Yes Ma'am. Well, like I said, my dad sleeps naked, and about two o'clock this morning we heard something in the hen house. So dad grabbed his shotgun, hoping to catch that fox that been bothering our chickens. So there he is, bent down looking in the hen house and our dog old Blue (who probably has the coldest nose in the whole county)comes up behind him. Boom! goes the shotgun!
So, Ms. Johnson, I've been pulling feathers off chickens all morning."
The teacher asks Little Johnny one day to use "contagious" in a sentence. Johnny replies, "Well, one day me and my dad were waiting for my mom to come home and make dinner. Then a cab pulled up and she stummbled out but passed out on the porch. My dad said 'Come on Johnny, lets order pizza; it will take that c**t-ages to get up."
Little Johnny is in school one day and the teacher ased him to use the words "bitter end" in a sentence. Little Johnny thought for a moment and said "The dog chased the cat through the house and it bitter end."
Little Johnny came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said his dad. "Come in the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began Johnny's confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math, and 20 in science."
One day Little Johnny's teacher asked him to use the words "defeat", "defense", and "detail" in a sentence. Little Johnny thought for a moment and replied, "de feet of de dog went over de fence before de tail."
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said "Yes" "Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says 'See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?' Sally holds up her hand and asks if it's a giraffe. 'Very good Sally,' the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his or her hands. 'See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?' Billy holds up his hand and says, 'it is a zebra.' 'Very good Billy,' the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up his/her hand. 'See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?' Still no one guesses. Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father.' Johnny shouts out 'I know what it is, it's a horny bastard!'
The teacher says, 'Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use the word 'beautiful' in a sentence. Little Sally, would you please come up here and use it in a sentence?' Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, 'Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.'
Teacher says, 'Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.'
Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, 'Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen.'
Teacher says, 'Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn.'
Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, 'Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful, just phucking beautiful."
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time. 'Here Little Johnny, have a cookie.'
'I don't phucking want one,' declared Johnny.
The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.
When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around.
As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him 'Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie.'
I don't phucking want one,' stated Little Johnny again.
The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, 'See? Did you hear what he said?'
'Yeah, so don't phucking give him a cookie,' said Little Johnny's mother.
A Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First little girl says "The sky is definitely blue." Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown..."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks.. "Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK... then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
Little Johnny's sitting in class and the teacher is playing the guessing game, where a student would describe something and the class would guess what it was. Little Johnny keeps putting his hand up and the teacher keeps ignoring him, KNOWING that he would say something filthy. Everybody else got a chance to try except Johnny. The teacher finally said, "O.K., Johnny...what do you want to describe?"
Johnny leans back in his chair and says,"I've got something in my pocket that's round and hard! Guess what it is!" "Johnny!," the teacher screams, "That's disgusting!" Johnny smiles and says,"Ahh, it's just a quarter, but I like how you're thinking!"
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."
"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians, and they all attacked at one time. He killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to screw with the Lone Ranger."
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill." "Congratulations," said the teacher, "You may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you". Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy". "Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut the phuck up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.
Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."
The father asked her what had happened.
"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."
"Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's bare butt before the day was over."
Little Johnny was sitting in class and started waving his arm saying, 'teacher! teacher! I have to go pee!' The teacher called Johnny to her desk and said, 'Now Johnny, in this class we use proper wording, the correct word is urinate. You may go to the bathroom, but when you come back I want you to give me a sentence using the word urinate.' So Johnny goes down the hall to the bathroom and when he comes back the teacher says, 'OK Johnny, I want to hear your sentence now.' Little Johnny says, "O.K., here goes -- urinate, but you'd be a ten if your breast were bigger!"
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
Johnny's sitting in class another day when the teacher wants to go over some famous quotes. She recites a quote and the class must guess who said it. For twenty minutes or so she goes over quote and every time Johnny is "Oohing, and Ahhing" with his hand up. And for twenty minutes or so she ignores him just SURE he'll say something dirty. Finally she says she will just go over a couple more. Still Johnny has his hand up. She asks,"Four score and seven years ago....Who said that?" Everybody raises their hands. Teacher calls on a girl up front;"Maria, who said that?" "Abraham Lincoln," Maria says. "O.K., who said,'To be or not to be, that is the question'?" She calls on a boy in the back. "Juan, who said that?" "William Shakespeare wrote that." Teacher says,"Good, Juan. Now we'll move on to math," and turns around to the blackboard. No sooner had she done this when Johnny jumps up and shouts,"WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH ALL THESE PHUCKING MEXICANS?" The teacher whips around and says,"Who said that? WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny smiles wide and says,"Davey Crockett at the ALAMO!
Little Johnny is having his first sex ed class when the teacher is explaining about female parts. Just as she is about to get into male parts the buzzer goes off. "Now class, before you go, I want you to find out from your parents what a penis is," she says to the class.
Johnny goes up to his mother and asks her what a penis is. All flustered she says to go ask your father. He asks his father the same question. His father takes him aside, pulls down his fly and lets it hang out. "Son, this is a penis," he says.
The next day in class, the teacher asks if anyone found out what a penis is. Johnny's hand goes wailing through the air like there is no tomorrow. "Yes Johnny, tell us what a penis is," she asks.
Johnny steps up on his desk, pulls down his fly and lets it hang out. "Well, this is a c**k, a penis is similar looking but is a few inches shorter."
A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?" He was older than some of the others. He said, "Damned if I know." She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back.
Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe, as the teacher requested. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"
"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."
The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that thing, you damn well better own up to it!"
Little Johnny was in a spelling bee in class. He had to spell the word and use it in a sentence. The teacher asked him to please spell the word 'ear'. Little Johnny stood up and proudly said 'E-A-R'. Then to use it in a sentence, he pretended to take a big hit off a joint and then while pretending to have his lungs full of smoke he pretended to pass the joint to Little Suzy and said, 'ear'
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
The first grade talent show is fast approaching and Johhny has still not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells her he has worked out his act.
Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause...
Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience.
Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says...
"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my unlce's farm. Here is the first....
'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT DAMN TRACTOR!'"
The teacher asks the kids to use a sentences with the word fascinate. Little Suzie raises her hand and says, "I saw a dolphin at the beach and it was fascinating." "Nice try," says the teacher, "but I said fascinate, not fascinating." Little Billy raises his hand and the teacher calls on him. "When I saw the mummies at the museum, I was fascinated," he says. "That's a good sentence too, but I said 'fascinate' not 'fascinating,'" the teacher says. Little Johnny's hand has been up the whole time but the teacher doesn't want to call on him. Seeing no other hands, she realizes she'll have to. He stands up and says, "My sister just got a ten button sweater, but her breasts are so big she can only fascinate!"
Little Johnnie has recently been circumcised and was still healing. On his return to school he was fine but his little jewel was ichy. He would sit in class and scratch for all his worth. The teacher has warned him several times and finally she gave up and took him to the principal's office. Several minutes later Johnnie returned to the class. All of a sudden he opened his fly and took out his pecker and just let it sit there. The teached demanded just what did he think he was doing. Little Johnnie replyed the principal said "To stick it out till noon and he would take me home."
One day little Johnny's teacher decided to play a spelling game where she give a letter of the alphabet and the kids have to spell a word starting with that letter and then use it in a sentence. Starting with A Little Johnny's hand is continually in the air, but the teacher ignores him, because she afraid he'll be rude again. "Yes, Susan ?" says the teacher. "Miss A is for Ape, A-P-E, An ape likes bananas" says little susan."Excellent " says the teacher, etc.etc. Finally she reach F. Now she will NOT let Little Johnny aswer this under any circumstances so she ask Mary. "F is for Fairy F_A_I_R_Y, they're little girls who lives among the flowers" says Mary. "Great" says the teacher, "now we get to G". Suddenly only little Johnny has his hand up so the teacher thinks about this and decides G is a 'safe' one. "Yes Johnny ?" "Miss G is for Gnome G-N-O-M-E. A Gnome lives among the flowers too". "Johnny ! That's Excellent !" Exclaims the teacher, being very happy that for once he wasn't out of line. "Yes Miss he's the one who phucks the Fairies!" replies Johnny.