Sadness

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FreestyleGoddes

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Right around the corner.....
Let the sky fall on me
Let it drown my fears.
I hope it drowns my sorrows.
I hope it drowns my tears.

I can't stand it here anymore.
I want to die right now.
But each day I make it
Without even knowing how.

Take my life away god.
I don't want to live
I feel that I have given
All I have to give.

I'm tired of feeling heartache.
I'm tired of feeling pain.
I think pretty soon
I'm going to drive myself insane.

Words I've learned to memorize
Words that have no meaning.
I can't even say
When I got these feelings.

I killed the life inside of me.
I feel so empty deep inside.
I try to hide these feelings.
And I don't even know why.

I feel so lonely.
I feel so confused.
Please help me god.
I don't know what to do.

Cause slowly I'm losing the power
The power to move on.
It's some how getting harder
To always stay so strong.

Cause in the world today
I feel that i'm not needed.
I feel that on this earth
The time I have exceeded.

So take me far from here.
Take me to another place.
I just want to be gone.
I just want to be replaced.

🙁
 
OMG girl! That's so deep! You almost made me cry b/c it seemed as if you were reading my thoughts there! That was phat girl!
 
Just think of things as if everything happens for a reason. You feel as if your life has fallen apart, well then it can only go uphill from now on...I feel exactly what you feel sometimes. I can't even get my kids what they want and deserve sometimes, but then I look at all the good things surrounding my life. I have my own place, my own car, my 2 kids, a supporting b/f (whom I want to kill sometimes LOL J/K). I thought I had hit rock bottom a couple of times even w/ all that I had surrounding me. I feel like a complete disaster at times. I'm 19 yrs old and should be worrying about when the next party is, but I don't. I take care of my family and for doing that my parents have disowned me. It's one obstacle after another...but God does certain things to make your life better. Even if it seems like a cruel joke, He has your best interests at heart. You seem like such a great person and if you ever need someone (strangers are easier to talk to at times), I'll always be here for you. Us FS'ers need to stick together. There ain't much of us left nowadays. Pick your head up girl! Things always turn out for the best in time. I know that for a fact....take care mija!
 
I'm tired of hearing...

Everything happens for a reason. That's all I hear lately. I feel that since the new year has started everything went downhill for me. I am 18 going on 19 in June and I know I shouldn't feel like this. In the last 4 months I have managed to:
1. Lose my fiance
2. Get pregnant
3. Lose my boyfriend
4. Lose my best friend.
5. Kill my baby!!!
6. Lose my boyfriend again. (BIG ASS!)
7. Get kicked out of my house
8. Lose one of my jobs.
9. Gain 5 lbs When I need to lose 16
10. Have my ex rub it all in the face that he has moved on.
11. Have -$70 in my checkings account. I can't even afford gas for my car to get to my one job.

And i feel like everyday it just seems to get a little worse.
 
I apologize

sorry I told you that I guess I'll just speak reality to you...I was exactly where you are about a yr ago. The only thing you can do is just count on your friends for support. I know u said u lost your best friend and fiance/boyfriend, but honey, I promise you it'll work out. I also saw that you said you killed your baby, did you have doubts when you did it or is it now that you have doubts? That's never easy on a woman, but you're only 18 mama. Maybe you were just not ready for that kind of responsibility, I don't know what your reasons were behind that decision. But let me tell you one thing, I had my daughter when I was 15 and I'm not gonna sit here and lie to you and tell you it was all nice and dandy, b/c it wasn't! I've done so many wrong things in my life, and getting pregnant was one of them. I dont' regret having her and I don't regret keeping her either. But life was hard! I worked, went to school, I hardly saw her, and I was living out of my car for about 2 mos. Now you tell me what kind of mother am I for doing that to my daughter? She deserved so much better! and here I was w/ no $$$ no where to live and struggling to give her a better life. I thought so many times of just giving up! But then when I thought that I had had enough and was going to give up on life all together, came the unexpected. I met my now fiance, and things have gone up and down ever since (i'm not gonna lie to you), but they're OK. I know that no matter how hard life gets it's ALWAYS going to be OK. That's y I tell you to keep your hear held high and just think of how worse off some other ppl are. I don't know how your living situation is now and you will get to and from work, but if I could help sweetie I would definetly do all in my power to. Just keep your head up girl, you seem like a strong willed woman. dont' give up please?
 
I'm not giving up

I just feel that it seems to get worse. As for killing my baby...At the time i thought it was best. I had no money and i could barely take care of myself. It hit me the other day. I was sitting in (not my room) David's room and he bought down this 3-4 mnth baby. He just kept staring at me laughing and smiling. It hurt. I just started crying all these tears. That could of been my baby i was making laugh. I regret it now. And where I live is with David. In his room. Thats creepy as hell. I'm not comfortable there. But i thank him everyday that he took me in when my mom kicked me out. I asked my mom if i could move back in. She still hasnt even answered me. Does that mean no!?
 
If you thought it was for the best, then that's what it was....your first instinct is always right. don't ever doubt urself about that. David must be a great guy for taking you in. At least you never had to live out of your car watching your 1 yr old daughter suffer b/c it was too hot or not comfortable. That hurt! at least you have someone now that you can count on (David), it's better than nothing honey. As for your mom, I don't know the woman, and she may have had her reasons for kicking you out, but just don't give up that things are going to be fine just yet. You never know, she might surprise you and take you back in. That poem you wrote her must show her how appreciative you are of her! If she doesn't realize that then you don't need someone like that in your life. I tried so hard w/ my parents to help me out, even after they told me they never wanted to see me again, I tried one last time to get in contact w/ them. Now I speak to my mother every once in awhile, my sister is living w/ her now. And my father decided to close the door in my kids' face, (which broke my daughter's heart), but that's OK. My point here is that you don't need someone in your life that's going to bring you down. What you need right now is someone like David, someone that's going to support you in your time of need. At least you're not alone in this situation. and if you like, you have someone else you can count on as well, ME 😀
 
Oh my god girl I felt like that before exactly... Lifes a bitch and I know how it feels sometimes I still feels that way when I have problems but you got to be strong. I used to cry my eyes out and think of doing things that I shouldnt I think everyone goes through it but hang in there.
 
for real that poem is so true!!!

freestylegoddess...that was me last year too...but i just had a baby...believe me its very hard...i am lucky because my family stood by me...but if they hadnt my daughter and i would be in a shelter somewhere...i was ur age too then 18 going on 19 and everywhere i turned it was a dead end...nobody understood me everybody was against me...and here i was with this baby thats father was no where to be found...i called him and told him about her and he hung the phone up in my face!!!! it hurt!!! but eventually i moved on and fought harder...i enrolled in school and took on a full time job...i am almost totally dependant...so it takes time girl...i hope everything works out for u...there is a rainbow at the end of the tunnel...just stay strong and work through this!!!! i wish u luck!!!
 
I am like so lucky to have found this website. Nobody that i know really knows what i am going through or want to try to understand. You guys do and try. I never knew strangers could be so nice. But you know what you guys are not strangers to me any more. You are like all part of my family. My freestyle family!!! Thanx you guys!!!🙂
 
Thanx

Ok not to put you guys in a damper situation, but I had to tell somebody and I had no one else to tell. Tuesday night I tried to OD myself. I am so depressed it hurts. I cry for no reason. I have all these strange feelings in me that I can't even explain. I was scared. I kept twitching and crying. I was up the whole night on caffeine pills. I finally started throwing up and it was like the exorcise. It was all this green shit coming out. YUCK!!! I don't feel better today either. Yesterday I went to my mom's house to ask her about me moving back in and she said she didn't want me back. What kind of shit is that. UGH!! Now I don't know what to do. If David leaves to the army before I leave to the air force I will have no where to stay!! I'm F*CKED!!
 
Dayum girl! Is there no other way out? You don't have to give up like this! Like I told you before, if your mother don't want you in her house, then you don't need someone like that in your life! It's just not right! Does she know that you had an abortion? Does she know the pain that you are experiencing right now? How was your childhood w/ her growing up? Is she someone you really want to go to for condolence? I wish I could tell you, "look girl, come live w/ me for a while". But I can't. I've read some of your other posts and you seem so happy when i read them. But when I read these it's like..."is this the same girl?" You need to keep your head up. When's David leaving to the army? And when are you supposed to go to the airforce? We're here for you! Just don't give up! *hugz*
 
She was there when I went and did it. When I told her I was pregant she told me that I shouldn't have told her. That still gets to me now. She doesn't know anything that I am going through now. My child hood was like nothing. She gave me to my grandma when I was born cause she couldnt afford me and my sister. She has always been closer to my mom too. My mom and I don't talk unless we have to. It's now that we talk, but not really. I love my mom and all, but sometimes I feel that I am not even a part of her. Know what I mean? Lately I have been thinking a lot about everything around me and how depressing my life is. How people treat me the way they do even if I am nice to them. How I feel like an Outcast!! I mean I just break down and cry to myself. Nobody knows what I am going through cause I don't let it show. As for David leaving, he will be leaving in July. I wanted to leave in July too, but if i don't lose the weight i can't. I haven't been losing the weight either. I'm tired!!!
 
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