My 1st posted song (criticism is welcome)

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Dayer

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I have been really nervous about posting any of my writings. I am kinda shy sometimes. But, tonight I figured if I post something & you guys like it then I will feel that I have some form of talent & I will pursue a career (or try to anyway) in the industry & if I post something & you all think it sucks then well, I can learn from the best (you guys here at clubfreestyle.com) & eventually I will improve.

So...here is my 1st posted song & criticism is more than welcome 🙂Please forgive typos as its 2am & i didn't spell check myself. Its a duo & I call it:

"Out of sight, Out of mind"

*chorus*
(f) Out of sight (male echo)
(f) out of mind (male echo)
(f) I tell myself that everything is fine (male...I tell myself)
(f) out of sight (male echo)
(f) out of mind (male echo)
(f)baby (male echo ending baby at same time as female), (duo) all I need is you

(dj scratches into a baseline "this goes out to..this this this this..this goes out to <insert name later>"(or something similiar because the "get a little stupid, get retarded" scratch is getting a bit played)

(f) I don't know what went wrong
(m) I ask myself the same thing
(f) we were together for so long
(m) you were the only one for me
(duo the words for me ending the male line & beginning the female)
(f) for me it was real (m echo it was real)
(f) but did you feel the same way
(f) I know the deal (m-echo know the deal)
(f) you loved me then you walked away
(m) I never walked away

*chorus*

(f) I don't know what to do
(m) I'm sorry so please just forgive me
(f) I think I'm still in love with you
(m) I wish that I could make you see
(duo the word see ending male line & beginning female)
(f) See in my soul (m echo in my soul)
(f) And you will find the answers
(f) you're looking for (m echo looking for)
(f) you loved me then you waked away
(m) I never meant to walk away

*chorus*

(f) at least I know where to go from here
(m) I can't believe I hurt you
(f) its time now to move on my dear
(m) oh god now what did I do
(duo the word do ending male line & starting female)
(f) Do you miss me (m echo miss me)
(f) if not you will when I am gone
(f) then you will see (m then I'll see)
(f) you loved me then you waked away
(m) I'm sorry that I walked away

*chorus a few times til fade out)
 
DAYER!!!!!!!!!

Just like I promised.....

Gurl....

It's AMAZINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

I wouldn't be surprised if one of the producers up in here wants to talk to you!!! I can't wait to hear it played!!!!!!!

Good stuff!
 
GURL,
THAT WAS REALLY GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU SHOULD POST SOME MORE SONGS. I FELT THAT IN MY HEART AND IT'S REAL
AMOR,
MELLI
 
Many Thanks for the compliments 😉

I don't really post too many of my lyrics here because I don't think too many people read this forum &/or care lol
 
Yo Dayer, I'm not one for figuring out a person's rhythm by the lyrics. I could never make up a melody, to me I read every song like a letter. I am probably the only person that has to hear the melody when it is actually sung. Regardless..............I give you 2wo thumbs up!!!
 
bumping this up for a friend that visits the site & couldn't find it 🙂
 
that's pretty good, you should post some more writings
 
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