I need advice...

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JuLiAnA_D

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People i need some help... and well im askin you guyz coz u dont know me and will hopefully be true with me.

Me and my boy have been dating for a lil over a year now... and were serious.. were planning on gettin married next fall...but im hiding somethin from him... im not really sure I want to give my life to him... itz not that i dont love him... i think the world of him and id do absolutely anything for him and i know he feels the same...theres somethin though that i cant accept about him and never will... were only 19 here k... he has a 2yr old son... I know im never gonna want anything to do with his kid... his son lives with his parents..not with us... I've told him that it bothers me and i dont want our family...me and if we have kids our children.. having nething to do with his past i.e his son... i know this is wrong of me but itz something i cant do... because thatz somethin thats apart of him and someone else. It breaks my heart whenever i hear his son call him daddy because itz not "our" son.. now u can say im being a biatch but itz just the way i feel. It bothers me that he didnt wait to have kids with his wife..not some skank, because im waiting to do that because i beleive u do that with one person only. His son wasnt planned he didnt even know the chick when it happened but it still bothers me that he has this bond with her that he doesnt wit me and i guess u can say im takin it out on the kid..but i know im never gonna get over this... and we fight constantly about it... he tells me he understands my feelings and i dont have to have nething to do with that part of his life... but isnt that gonna be hard?? Should i let him go and let him find someone whos gonna accept his son and be there for him?? Or should i stay and leave it the way it is because me and him love eachother?? Am i being cruel?? I know my guy wont ever dump me.. but i think this is an issue... please give me sum advice!? tanks
 
Theres nothing wrong with how you feel Juliana_D...just as long as you dont take it out on his son like when you see him. I believe everyone has certain qualities that they look for when they are findin a partner, but people also have a list of things they would NOT accept in a partner also. So when you meet some1 I think people weigh those two lists, but sometimes when some1 has one thing on the list you could never accept it makes it really impossible to have a relationship because it will nag at ur heart constantly.

I see where youre comin from totally. No offense to any1 but this is my personal feelings and what i want for me...but i wouldnt want to be with a guy forever who had a kid be4 me with some1 else because he will have a bond with that girl forever. And Id be afraid of him slippin up n goin back to the past n cheatin...its too easy because girls never seem to get over the guy they had their baby with.

To me if i would have this guys kid.....i would think it wouldnt be as special because he already experienced havin a baby be4...it wouldnt be the excitement of the unknown. I dunno but at the same time maybe he didnt love the girl n he didnt care that much or treat her well or pay attention to her when she was pregnant....I would find out how much he was involved with her when she was pregnant n how much he loved her.

and it sounds like he loves you with all his heart so maybe it would be one of the best experiences of his life because he planned it n actually wanted you to have his child. If he is sincerely over his girl n shes hardly in the picture then i think its possible to get over the past. I dont know its a difficult sitiuation. Im sure you dont want to raise the child with him....but have you given the child a chance how could you not love a cute lil baby that the person you love loves more than anything.

I dont know how to help i wouldnt accept some1 with a baby especially at the age of 19. My man smokes...i dont want to marry a smoker..because my grandpa died of cancer from smokin. i told him straight up if he cant quit i wont be with him period...not that i dont love him but it would hurt me, id be afraid the past would repeat. I also wont be with my ex whos incarcerated, i dont want to be with some1 on parole plus he was mean to me.

good luck girl.....think carefully you are very young n alot of life ahead of you. if you truly love him u will naturallly get past this n your feelings of jealousy towards the baby will fade away.
 
OK CHICA I CAN RELATE MY EX HAS TWO KIDS FROM TWO DIFFERNET WOMEN AND THERE WAS A POINT WHERE I WOULD GET JEALOUS OF HIS DAUGHTER AND THE BOND THEY HAD BUT IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS SO USE TO BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION WITH HIM AND WHEN SHE WAS AROUND I HAD TO SHARE HIM BUT ME AND HER GREW SO CLOSE TO WHERE SHE CALLED ME MOMMY AND WISHED THAT I WAS JUST THAT. HE ALSO HAD A SON AND IT TOKK ME AWHILE TO ECEPT HIM BUT IT WAS ONLY BECAUSE HIS MOTHER WANTED HIM TO HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME AND I RESENTED THE FACT THAT SHE HAD GIVEN HIM SOMETHING THAT I HAD YET TO GIVE HIM. IN TIME I GOT OVER IT ALL AND ONLY WANTED TO MAKE THINGS EASIER ON HIM I WANTED HIM TO SPEND AS MUCH TIME AS POSSIBLE WITH HIS CHILDREN BECAISE I KNE HOW MUCH THEY MEANT TO HIM AND THAT THEY WERE A PART OF HIM. I CAN TELL YOU THAT YU WILL GET PASSED THIS AND THE LOVE YOU HAVE FOR HIM WILL HELP YOU DO JUST THAT. YOU SEE HIS SON HAS NO FAULT IN ANYTHING HE DIDNT ASKE TO BE PLACED HERE THINGS HAPPEN I AM SURE HE HAD NOT PLANNED ON HAVING A CHILD SO YOUNG BUT SHIAT HAPPENS MAMA. IF YOU MARRY THIS MAN YOU ARE GOING OT BE HIS BACKBONE AND AS YOU SAID HE LOVES YOU AND I AM SURE HE IS TRYING TO DO EVERYTHING TO MAKE YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE BUT ARE YOU DOING THE SAME FOR HIM MAMA YOUR STILL YOUNG AND WHAT YOU FEEL WILL COME TO PASS AS YOU CONTINUE TO BUILD WITH HIM. IF YOU LOVE HIM THAT MUCH WHY GIVE HIM UP OVER SOMETHING YOU CANT DEAL WITH RIGHT NOW IT ISNT FAIR TO HIM. IF YOU CHOOSE TO WALK AWAY BECAUSE IT IS TO MUCH FOR YOU TO HANDLE THEN THAT IS ENTIRLY UP TO YOU. IF YOU CHOOSE TO STAY WITH HIM AND GIVE IT ALL TIME FOR YOU TO GET PASSED KNOW THAT THIS CHILD IS ALWAYS GOING TO BE A PART OF HIS LIFE AND TO MAKE HIM CHOOSE BETWEEN YOURSELF AND THIS CHILD ISNT RIGHT. MAMA YOU GOTTA DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU I WISH YOU THE BEST AND HOPE YOU WORK THIS ALL OUT 🙂
 
Juls, well girl I totally understand where you're coming from. I also have the same problem.. I don't know if I want to dedicate my life to this one person who obviously wants to spend his with me.
But about that little boy. I think you're being very unfair towards him. It's NOT his fault that his "parents" were not EXPECTING him. God gave him life and not a good one, since he can't even have a normal family. ANd you don't seem to help him much. Just at least try. You and your man will have your own children maybe too. But don't expect him to lose the bond with his child. That boy is his first, and that's very important.
If you find it IMPOSSIBLE to deal with, you should let the guy go, because let me tell you that no father will trade his son for a woman. I've learned that from hard experience.
And good luck to u and ur further decisions. keep the updates.
 
I too understand what you are saying Girl, but I also think that you shouldn't take it out on the kid. Yes your man may have some kind of "bond" with someone and they share this child together, but you need to UNDERSTAND that, that is all the PAST!!! Look to the future.....bond with the kid. Even though he isn't "yours" you, your man, and the kid can create your own lil family and when you have children of your own.....wow what a RICH family you will have. If you keep fighting with your man about his kid, you two will just keep fighting there will be lots of tension, and believe me the kid senses this and will react....most likely negatively. There may come a time that your man will HAVE to choose between you and his kid, and well I wouldn't to see that.

Example: Bill (my ex, long story) had a dog (is like his kid) with his ex-wife and well at first I was hestite thought the dog wouldn't love me cuz I wasn't "Mom" But guess what he now jumps like mad when he sees me and even til this day whenever he hears my voice he goes to the front door looking for me. (I know its not the same, but I hope you got the meaning BEHIND it)

Basically what I am trying to say is that ....if you love your man and want to spend your life with him, then accept his kid, make your own family.....that will be a great bond.
 
Juls, I can relate on this one. Back when I was 18, my ex proposed to me and I said yes. 6 months later, I broke that off. Not saying I didn't love him, but we were together for so long at such a young age. We started going out when we were both 13 until the time we were 16. Three and half years and then we basically mutually agreed on the break up. We remained really good friends, even though it was hard at first given our past. Then came when I turned 18. He was heading off to college in Florida in the fall, while I still had senior year plus college. I'm not saying I doubted his love for me, but I honestly think that if he wasn't going that far away from me, I think he would have waited until after college to propose. I mean we weren't going to get married quickly, it was going to be a minimum of a 4 year engagement and then get married after we graduated and were settled in our jobs. Basically what I'm giving as advice is that don't rush into things at a young age. I hate spouting statistics, but the numbers do show that majority of young msrriages fail. (I don't mean to sound negative, I'm just passing on what I learned.) I mean there is nothing wrong with getting married early because all people are different. I mean maybe it wasn't the right thing for me at the time, but for you or someone else, maybe it is the right thing.
About the kid though, I wasn't in that position, so I don't really know what to say. But what I can say is that if you feel the way you do, you really need to talk to your boyfriend. If you don't say something now, it's going to sit in you and other things are going to build and then one day for no reason, you may just go off on him and a lot of things may be said that you don't mean. Also, if you feel you can't talk about it, then that just might go to show that maybe getting engaged right now is not the best thing for the two of you.(Sorry, if I sound like a textbook...I'm a psychology minor and sometimes that part just comes out in me.)
Ultimately it is your decision. You really need to think about this whole heartedly and discuss this with your boyfriend. I hope all works out in your favor sweetie.


~Meg~
 
JULS, JULS, JULS...HAY MAMITA.....I CAN UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS..I HAVE BEEN WITH MY MAN 6YRS ...WHEN WE MET HE TOLD ME ABOUT HIS SON..AND I AT THAT TIME I DECIDED TO ACCEPT HIM WITH ALL HIS FAULTS AND HIS SON...(son doesn't live with us either)

WHAT THE REAL DEAL WITH YOU IS THAT YOU ARE PROBABLY INSECURE ABOUT YOUR MAN..NOW WE DON'T HAVE THE DETAILS ON HIS EX BUT I'M SURE THAT THEY ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP FOR A GOOD REASON..THE KIDS ARE THE ONES WHO ALWAYS SUFFER BEING TRAPPED IN THE MIDDLE..

AS A STEPPARENT WE HAVE TO NURTURE THAT CHILD AND SHOW THEM THAT LOVE IS UNSELFISH AND UNCONDITIONAL BECAUSE SOMETIMES WE CAN BECOME THE ONLY PARENT THEY KNOW...

I UNDERSTAND IT'S A BIG RESPONSIBILITY..BUT DON'T FEEL THAT HE WON'T LOVE YOU OR YOUR CHILD (WHEN YOU ARE BLESSED TO HAVE ONE WITH HIM) ANY LESS...TRUST ME I KNOW...OUR DAUGHTER WAS HIS SECOND CHANCE AT DOING THINGS RIGHT...AND I WOULD NOT CHANGE IT FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.
 
damn i had a big advice and i deleted it like a donkey

yo please dont take it out on the child its not his fault
yo i have a child and its hard for me to even accept a person in my life cuz i have a child and i dont want the person that get with think that they are responsible of my child i created her and she is my responsibilty i know its hard but its a sacrifice and dont put the relationship on the line cuz of that
 
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