Wouldn't life be a little sweeter if we could all just get along? But when it comes to exes, bad blood too often taints the mix.
The weird thing is, theoretically, you used to think this guy was the bomb! Even if you don't exactly miss being his significant other, maybe you do miss his hilarious sense of humor, his lasagna and the ways he really "gets" you as a person. Okay, so the party's over, but does that mean you drop out of each other's lives forever?
Transitioning from breakup to buddies is a tall order. Even with the best of intentions, it's not always possible to bury the baggage and make a fresh start as friends. But if you're both up for the challenge, the rewards can be great.
If you and your ex want to stay friends, make sure that you:
Give it time. Changes of this magnitude doesn't happen overnight. After a split, there will inevitably be issues to resolve, lives to reconfigure, feet to be gotten back on. It may take a couple of years or more before relating in a whole new way is really workable.
Disconnect old buttons. Didn't it drive you nuts, the way he always left his dirty socks on the floor? Know what? It's not your problem anymore. Detach from old judgments and irritations that bedeviled your former days as a couple. Remember the bigger-picture stuff you really like about him, and let the picky stuff go.
Dredge for grudges. If grudges lay buried in your inner underground, employ grudge-removal techniques forthwith. Whether your style is to sort it out in a journal, with a therapist or by beating hand drums and burning sage, do your homework and work it through. You can't expect to have an honest friendship until you harbor no hard feelings.
Clarify boundaries. Are you absolutely sure you're ready to be friends, and just friends? Is a little tiny part of you secretly yearning to re-spark the old flame, or have a roll in the hay for old times' sake? If so, stop right there. It's not yet time to pursue a platonic friendship if romantic intentions still reside within either of you. Wish each other well, and proceed with establishing your own separate lives for now.
Jettison jealousy. Nobody's expecting you to love the one your ex is with now, but do respect their relationship and be cordial, at least. Still, a little jealousy can be a natural reaction, turning that hip dinner for four suddenly unappetizingly cold and crusty. Suck it up and be nice. Besides, she's the one who gets to deal with that nasty sock habit now.
Offer the olive branch. Accompany it with a slice of humble pie. Forgive yourself, and him, for blunders and bygones. It's a delicate operation, but with wisdom, patience, and care, you can welcome this man you once held most dear, back into your inner circle. Like the old campfire song says, "Make new friends and keep the old. One is silver and the other gold."
The weird thing is, theoretically, you used to think this guy was the bomb! Even if you don't exactly miss being his significant other, maybe you do miss his hilarious sense of humor, his lasagna and the ways he really "gets" you as a person. Okay, so the party's over, but does that mean you drop out of each other's lives forever?
Transitioning from breakup to buddies is a tall order. Even with the best of intentions, it's not always possible to bury the baggage and make a fresh start as friends. But if you're both up for the challenge, the rewards can be great.
If you and your ex want to stay friends, make sure that you:
Give it time. Changes of this magnitude doesn't happen overnight. After a split, there will inevitably be issues to resolve, lives to reconfigure, feet to be gotten back on. It may take a couple of years or more before relating in a whole new way is really workable.
Disconnect old buttons. Didn't it drive you nuts, the way he always left his dirty socks on the floor? Know what? It's not your problem anymore. Detach from old judgments and irritations that bedeviled your former days as a couple. Remember the bigger-picture stuff you really like about him, and let the picky stuff go.
Dredge for grudges. If grudges lay buried in your inner underground, employ grudge-removal techniques forthwith. Whether your style is to sort it out in a journal, with a therapist or by beating hand drums and burning sage, do your homework and work it through. You can't expect to have an honest friendship until you harbor no hard feelings.
Clarify boundaries. Are you absolutely sure you're ready to be friends, and just friends? Is a little tiny part of you secretly yearning to re-spark the old flame, or have a roll in the hay for old times' sake? If so, stop right there. It's not yet time to pursue a platonic friendship if romantic intentions still reside within either of you. Wish each other well, and proceed with establishing your own separate lives for now.
Jettison jealousy. Nobody's expecting you to love the one your ex is with now, but do respect their relationship and be cordial, at least. Still, a little jealousy can be a natural reaction, turning that hip dinner for four suddenly unappetizingly cold and crusty. Suck it up and be nice. Besides, she's the one who gets to deal with that nasty sock habit now.
Offer the olive branch. Accompany it with a slice of humble pie. Forgive yourself, and him, for blunders and bygones. It's a delicate operation, but with wisdom, patience, and care, you can welcome this man you once held most dear, back into your inner circle. Like the old campfire song says, "Make new friends and keep the old. One is silver and the other gold."
