Kenny Guido
Well-known member
The Barber Shop
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her
father. She stands directly next to the barber
chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her
snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna
get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too."
************************************************************************
**
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a
cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?"she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,"
answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in
surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and
went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
******************************************************************
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five
minutes later..."Da-ad...""What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later... "Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of
water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to
spank you!!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a
drink of water?"
*******************************************************************
An exasperated mother, whose son was always
getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do
you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run
in and out and in and
out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter
says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay
out!'"
*****************************************************************
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a
mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about
to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in
his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in
Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice, "The big sissy."
************************************************************************
*
It was that time, during the Sunday morning
service, for the children's sermon. All the children
were invited to come forward. One little girl was
wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a
very pretty dress. Is it your Easter
Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the
pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
*********************************************************************
When I was six months pregnant with my third
child, my three-year-old came into the room when I
was just getting ready to get into the shower. She
said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby
growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your
butt?"
************************************************************************
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said
to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is
seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is
nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
"What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math
homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do
it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next
day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning
addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to
say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF
WHICH, is four."
**********************************************************************
One day a teacher read the story Chicken Little to
her class. She came to the part of the story where
Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read,
"... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and
said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what
do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think
he said, 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10
minutes...
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her
father. She stands directly next to the barber
chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her
snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna
get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too."
************************************************************************
**
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a
cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?"she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,"
answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in
surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and
went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
******************************************************************
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five
minutes later..."Da-ad...""What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later... "Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of
water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to
spank you!!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a
drink of water?"
*******************************************************************
An exasperated mother, whose son was always
getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do
you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run
in and out and in and
out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter
says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay
out!'"
*****************************************************************
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a
mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about
to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in
his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in
Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice, "The big sissy."
************************************************************************
*
It was that time, during the Sunday morning
service, for the children's sermon. All the children
were invited to come forward. One little girl was
wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a
very pretty dress. Is it your Easter
Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the
pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
*********************************************************************
When I was six months pregnant with my third
child, my three-year-old came into the room when I
was just getting ready to get into the shower. She
said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby
growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your
butt?"
************************************************************************
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said
to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is
seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is
nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
"What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math
homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do
it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next
day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning
addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to
say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF
WHICH, is four."
**********************************************************************
One day a teacher read the story Chicken Little to
her class. She came to the part of the story where
Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read,
"... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and
said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what
do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think
he said, 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10
minutes...
