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Freestyle Forum: *.*Personal Trainer*.*
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  #1  
Old 04-19-2005, 01:39 PM
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DiaMoND_GiRL DiaMoND_GiRL is offline
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*.*Personal Trainer*.*

Personal Trainer



If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to every woman who ever
attempted to get into regular workout routine. A must read!



Dear Diary...

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for
me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high
school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go
ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my
reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who
identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started.

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce
waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a
tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five
minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra
aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he
conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the
whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile
made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long
as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the
club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too
perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this
nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on
the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why
the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some
other shit too.

Thursday:

Stupid Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as
his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my
shoes. Mother&@*#$ Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells.

When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
He sent Lars to find me,then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine
which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &*@*#$
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am
sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated
magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it
have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing
him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the *[email protected]#&& Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
next year my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that
is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy.


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  #2  
Old 04-19-2005, 07:36 PM
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Vinss-T Vinss-T is offline
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LOL. . how tragic.
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  #3  
Old 04-20-2005, 04:42 PM
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nessa's302 nessa's302 is offline
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ROFLMFAOOOOOOOOO OMG :lol
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