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Freestyle Forum: ™FR3ESTYLEKING'S OFFICIAL JOKEBOOK
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  #651  
Old 12-22-2002, 02:32 PM
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ur job... right... being a clown
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  #652  
Old 12-22-2002, 02:39 PM
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LOL
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  #653  
Old 12-22-2002, 04:52 PM
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LMAO...FIGURES...QUE MACHISTA!
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  #654  
Old 12-22-2002, 06:42 PM
FR3ESTYLEKING FR3ESTYLEKING is offline
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no clown's here! :blah
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  #655  
Old 12-23-2002, 12:13 AM
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  #656  
Old 12-23-2002, 10:53 PM
FR3ESTYLEKING FR3ESTYLEKING is offline
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Santa Claus is a Woman

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating, musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped onto the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

1.) Men can't pack a bag.

2.) Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

3.) Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.

4.) Men don't answer their mail.

5.) Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

6.) Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

7.) Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

8.) Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone-screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. However, as long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy.
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  #657  
Old 12-23-2002, 10:58 PM
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I never thought of that!! I always thought Santa was a big pervert!!
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  #658  
Old 12-23-2002, 11:25 PM
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Re: Santa Claus is a Woman

Quote:
Originally posted by FR3ESTYLEKING
You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
i don't care who santa is, they don't exist and that's final... but.. i'm surprised to find out u got a husband lol
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  #659  
Old 12-23-2002, 11:29 PM
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damn u got me thinkin now
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  #660  
Old 12-24-2002, 11:23 AM
FR3ESTYLEKING FR3ESTYLEKING is offline
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Re: Re: Santa Claus is a Woman

Quote:
Originally posted by 1sxychica
i'm surprised to find out u got a husband
:lol :lol :lol :lol
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  #661  
Old 12-24-2002, 11:37 AM
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lmaoooo sxychica I thought of the same thing when I got to the part of the husband. King are you really a Queen? lmaoooooooooo
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  #662  
Old 12-24-2002, 11:58 AM
FR3ESTYLEKING FR3ESTYLEKING is offline
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Hey Hey Hey... I Got this in my mail from my JOKE place! It's not really a joke but I thought it was cool! And I'm only a QUEEN on the weekendz *Snaps Fingers* you betta recognize gurl........ :lol LMAO
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  #663  
Old 12-24-2002, 12:01 PM
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lmao silly
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  #664  
Old 12-27-2002, 05:52 PM
FR3ESTYLEKING FR3ESTYLEKING is offline
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Smile NEW Dr. Seuss

Dr. Seuss as Technical Writer

__________
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,

and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,

then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

__________
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,

and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,

then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

__________
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,

says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,

that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,

so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,

then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,

'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

__________
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,

And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,

Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM

Quicky turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
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  #665  
Old 12-27-2002, 07:39 PM
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:crap Now I gotta headache! No wonder I never read Dr. Seuss!

TOO MANY tongue twisters!
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  #666  
Old 12-27-2002, 07:42 PM
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There's a reason why I hate computers....LOL
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  #667  
Old 12-29-2002, 11:45 PM
EL_BORICUA_72 EL_BORICUA_72 is offline
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Anyone want some green eggs and ham???
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  #668  
Old 12-31-2002, 03:23 AM
FR3ESTYLEKING FR3ESTYLEKING is offline
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Thumbs up What Do I Look Like?

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?"

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

:lol
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  #669  
Old 12-31-2002, 03:37 AM
FR3ESTYLEKING FR3ESTYLEKING is offline
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Two Hundred Dollar Deal

A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks on the door and his friend's wife answers. “Is John home?” he asks.

“No, I'm sorry,” she says. “He's gone out to run a few errands.”

“Would you mind if I came in and waited for a few minutes?” the guy asks.

So John's wife, who's wearing a robe, invites him inside.

“I can't help to notice how beautiful your breasts look in that robe,” says John's friend. “I will pay you $100 if I could just see them.”

The woman thinks it over for a moment and figures why not, it is $100. She opens her robe exposing her breasts as the man reaches for his wallet, pulls out a $100 bill and throws it on the table.

Shortly there after while drinking his coffee he says, “Your breasts are so beautiful, can I suck on them. I will pay you another $100 if you will let me.”

She once again thinks for a moment and thinks, “What the hell,” opens her robe, and the man spends at least five minutes on each luscious breast.

He then opens his wallet, grabs another $100, throws it on the table and says, “I can't wait any longer, I must get going. Please tell John I came by.”

About ten minutes pass and John comes home. His wife meets him in the hall and says, “Your friend came by, you just missed him, he left ten minutes ago.”

John replies, “Did he drop off the $200 he owes me?”
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  #670  
Old 12-31-2002, 03:40 AM
FR3ESTYLEKING FR3ESTYLEKING is offline
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Viagra Coffee

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
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  #671  
Old 12-31-2002, 03:44 AM
FR3ESTYLEKING FR3ESTYLEKING is offline
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The Lady and the Facelift

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''?
The man replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.''

The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?''

The man replies, ''You're 37, right?''

The lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.''

After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties.''

So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!''

The lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?''

The old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''

:lol
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  #672  
Old 12-31-2002, 03:45 AM
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WOW!

[email protected]:lol :lol
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  #673  
Old 12-31-2002, 03:48 AM
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YEAH!

:lol :lol @KING...FREDDIE
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  #674  
Old 12-31-2002, 03:51 AM
FR3ESTYLEKING FR3ESTYLEKING is offline
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Talking Italian

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
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  #675  
Old 12-31-2002, 03:52 AM
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NAWWWW!

DAMN KING WHERE DO YOU GET THEM? LMFAOOOOOOO...FREDDIE...
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